Print me a picture

It was supposed to be just another day at the office. Mindless processing would commence, the reasons for which were utterly unknown, but which ostensibly made someone somewhere enough profit to pay everyone in the process. The less the process was questioned, the more pay it seemed to generate, and so it continued. Another day at the office, one at a time.

Until this day.

This day, the printers started to act weirdly. Not an infrequent or uncommon occurrence, to be sure, But rather than merely stop running for inexplicable reasons after having worked perfectly for months, or suddenly deciding that the one operating system they were explicitly built for was unsupported, this time it was strange for real. Really strange.

Instead of graphs, spreadsheets and utterly standardized form letters, the printers started printing short stories and excerpts from books about seemingly random topics. At first, it was assumed that someone merely needed something printed for extracurricular activities – a frowned upon but discreetly accepted practice and/or office perk. However, upon closer inspection, it turned out the instructions to print these things did not originate from any computer in the office. Moreover, they did not originate from any computer anywhere. One of the technicians joked that they seemed to come from within the printer itself. Like some sort of daydream.

But that could not be.

Do printers really dream about library cataloguing systems and highly technical DnD campaign specs?

The beat goes boom boom boom

The aliens could not have picked a worse week to invade. Ironically, everything went wrong because everything went exactly as planned. The giant warships appeared unannounced in the sky one day, doing nothing but gathering data for the upcoming assault. Humanity, being in shock, did not attack these warships, on the off-chance these utterly armed machines of war came in peace. Then, after enough information had been gathered, the invasion began. Humanity was defenseless against the psionic assaults, and most surrendered without firing a single shot. In the annals of planetary conquests, this was one of the neater ones.

Until the aliens stopped to think about it, and about what they had conquered. And, being psionic, about what those they had conquered had thought about.

The weeks prior to the attack, a new genre of music had swept the world off its feet, gathering massive amounts of people dancing in the streets. It was not known then, but this genre was the closest humanity could come to a psionic virus at its current technological level. As the aliens surveyed what they had conquered, so too did they listen to these beats. To say that it made their heads explode would be an overstatement, but they did suffer greatly before dying.

Needless to say, global art spending and investments increased manifold over the coming decades.

The Plato-Industrial Complex

The deadline loomed, and he had no idea what to write. There had to be something, some unexpected angle, some unexplored nook, some unexamined cranny. Something.

His latest idea had turned out to be done already in 1993. His initial thought was to do it anyway, in the hope that no one would notice, but it turned out that someone else already did that too in 2009, and by unspoken agreement this was too recent to politely ignore. It would have to be something else.

At this point, just about every possible take on Plato had been performed. Every surviving scrap of papyrus had a book (some in paperback) about it, and every one of those had an accompanying book detailing how it was problematic. A while back the daring proposition that Plato did not in fact exist had caused sufficient stir to fuel the fires of new publication for a decade or so, but it too could not last forever. Turned out that if Plato did not exist, history would have to invent him in order to make sense.

Hold up. There’s a thought.

And thus, he set to work writing a new lost Platonic dialogue, something to keep his profession alive for a few more years.

A relationship horoscope


There are abandoned cities where everyone left because the reason for having a city in that location disappeared. At no point were there an official decision to abandon the town; for a myriad of small reasons, all local and rational, everyone just left, one by one, until only the buildings remained. So too with your relationship – it just might be time to let go


In the long run, your aversion towards hurting others will cause exponentially more pain and suffering than being the straightforward, unequivocal jerk you fear to be could ever inflict


Ask not for whom the bell tolls. You do not know them, and they will only remain happily married for so long anyway


Love is not something you have but something you do, and you do it in such excess that poems should be written about it


You will find someone with whom you will say “this is life, and we are doing it, right now”


Cats will gravitate towards you


As society becomes an ever more entangled mess of interlocking systems, each with their own internal logics and tendencies, the individual ever so gradually becomes of secondary importance. You, on the other hand, are the kind of person who do not shy away from hacking international supply chains to give your sweetheart the perfect Valentine’s gift


She dreamt she was a bulldozer, she dreamt she was alone in an empty field


The contradictory and incomprehensible rituals of modern dating have so overwritten your notion of what it means to get into a relationship, that you have in essence giving up all hope on ever finding someone. This resignation, writ large, has profound effects on the real estate market


Things just might become easier if you give up the distinction between vaporwave and the things it ostensibly remembers; memory – like love – being something you do rather than have


Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?


Just remember to fall in love. There’s nothing else

100% cat

Here sits Jaspers
regal of bearing
proud of stature
listening to things beyond hearing
cat from head to tail

Here loafs Jaspers
legs tucked away
all snug and comfortable
pondering the day
cat from head to tail

Here flomps Jaspers
belly for all to see
petted and rub’d
that’s what he wants to be
cat from head to tail

Terminal velocity

She liked to listen to podcasts. Specifically, she liked to load up a gazillion episodes on an ancient, barely digital mp3 player and walk around the cityscape with voices talking in her ear. Sometimes, they said interesting things, but most of the time they were just good company – friends and travel companions in a handy, portable package.

Until one day, when she was in a hurry to get out the door, and forgot it.

Being in a hurry is a strange state of mind. You miss things you’d see in a non-hurried state, and conversely notice things you’d not otherwise notice. This particular day, she was in a state beyond hurried – the need for speed was worthy of an ancient Greek poem suddenly being rediscovered in a forgotten monastery. As she arrived at her destination, her hurried self was mostly on autopilot, and thus reached for the off button on her mp3 player. It was not there, but being partly metaphysical at this point, she pressed it anyway. Through some unknown means, she had reached through to the control panel of her universe, managing to – through the pressing of one single stop button – bring her internal monologue to an end.

The most secret society of them all

Since we have recently been asked about this a number of times from very different groups of people, it seems prudent to add an answer to this FAQ. The question in question is:

Why are your secret teachings – the most secret of all secret texts – for sale on Amazon and other online places of commerce?

There are many reasons for this, but the two most important reasons are logistics and the nature of epistemology in modern society. The logistical angle is quite straightforward. Passing secret texts around in secluded secrecy is quite time consuming and labor intensive, and some of our chapters found that they did little else than to find ways and means to discreetly transport things back and forth. Meanwhile, Amazon and those other stores already send packages to just about everywhere, so someone receiving yet another package is basically as mundane and ordinary as it ever could be. Basically, it means less work for us, with a slightly higher rate of anonymity for our members.

As to the nature of epistemology in modern society, it basically comes down to two things: no one believes anything anymore, and there is so much of everything that even those who believe don’t know what to believe in particular. As we learned in the early days of our movement, shouting out the revealed truth in the streets did not open the eyes and hearts of those who listened. Rather, they were quite annoyed by the whole ordeal, and wished to avoid further contact. The same principle also applies on a larger scale: the safest way to get someone to ignore what you have to say is to communicate it straightforwardly in a direct fashion. To outsiders, our teachings seem like so much mumbo-jumbo they’ve seen elsewhere, and they just can’t be bothered to care about it. Therefore, putting our teachings out there available for anyone to peruse ironically means that no one will actually make the effort to do so. Our secrets will, for all intents and purposes, remain secret.

There are other reasons, but they all more or less come back to these two main points. We hope that you are, if only ever so slightly, more enlightened by this answer.

A meta-horoscope


A cute person will tell you their sign. You will scare them off by telling them that you do not believe in either signs or introductory small talk


You will find yourself reading a horoscope for the first time in years.  This will be a strange new experience


A prediction will come true. Make it a good one


A prediction will fail to manifest. Fortunately, you are a pessimist


You will tell someone your sign, and they will brush you off. It wasn’t meant to be


You do not believe in the stars. Then again, the amount of data is so overwhelming and so utterly out of proportion to the human capability to process, that sometimes the rational choice is to just wing it, lest you be indefinitely paralyzed by indecision


Cats will gravitate towards you


You have survived an immense amount of bullshit, and do not need vague horoscope predictions


You dreamt that you would read these very words at this very moment. It is a very strange confluence of events


You will hear someone tell someone else their sign, only to be rudely brushed off. This is your moment


That one song will finally be out of your head


For every person, there is an equal and opposite person. Except for you. Your opposites have clearly gone for quantity over quality

Community service

And so it came to pass that the local municipality set out to discover exactly why its young members harbored such anti-police sentiments. Being good social scientists, they employed a wide range of methods, from interview to surveys to participant observation. It was a very large and – for purposes of efficacy – unannounced study, working so far as it could in the shadow of ordinary everyday uneventfulness. Some concerns about ethics were raised, but largely ignored due to the severity of the situation.

As the results came in, several themes emerged. Or, rather, one major theme and a few supporting side themes all relating back to the major theme. As it happened, the results all pointed towards one thing: the youths were all radicalized against the police by having one time or another – more often than not several – been beaten up for no discernable reason by these very same police officers. The study controlled for a number of other variables – communist propaganda, violent subcultures, computer games, violent subcultures using computer games as their primary recruitment tool, poverty, family relations, gender, class, and so on – but even after extensive quantitative analysis, police-initiated violence stood out as the main factor.

Of particular note is the team engaging in participatory observation, who displayed a marked increase in anti-police sentiments after having suddenly found themselves on the business end of a police raid. Whether this is a significant find or a methodological problem is an open question. They did, however, write an extended analysis of a particular incident: a youth on his way to school being suddenly beaten up by a police officer, deciding to attend anyway despite the bruises, only to be beaten up by a different police officer a few minutes later.

Upon publication of the report, the local police were asked to give a comment on these findings. They did not.

It is your destiny

“Hmm, oh, yes, of course” she mumbled.

The insight that had stumbled upon her just prior to this mumble was based on the follow chain of events:

In the Golden Age of comics, there had been a limited run of a particular comic where a rather peculiar phrase occurred. No one had taken any notice of this for decades, until it very randomly was mentioned in a podcast by someone who read that very comic as a child, and came to think of it a propos of something completely different. Given that this was a rather small podcast, it had garnered absolutely no attention whatsoever, until someone browsed the archives five years after the last episode was published. From there, the phrase had made its way into a blog post about differences in intertextual practices then and now. Three years later, the tenth reader of that blog post picked up on the phrase, and used it at a local party. By serendipitous happenstance, the writer for an upcoming movie adaptation of that very comic franchise was there, and heard the phrase in action. A short while later, the phrase was included in the movie, and subsequently used in memes all over the internet.

Upon taking in this chain of events, she had intuitively understood that this was the only way the letter could have arrived. While impossible to predict beforehand, retroactively it was equally impossible not to have happened this way.