On the pragmatic impracticality of equality

“So here’s what I do. I go to free speech rallies, and I wear my trademark outfit”

“A trademark outfit, you say?”

“Oh yes. It takes very careful and deliberate attention to detail to pull it off. Just winging it won’t work; they’ll see right through it. Gotta effort it, make it just right”

“So how do you prepare?”

“At first, I tried various methods of artificially inducing the look. None of them worked, but they all took a lot of time and effort. Determined not to give up, I persevered, and then it struck me. The one surefire way to get everything just right is to actually bona fide do it”

“So you became homeless?”

“Well, no, of course not. I just spend a lot of time in the urban outdoors, day and night. This had the desired effect, and made me look the part. I also learned that there are a lot more alleys, overpasses and forgotten side streets in this city than I’d previously thought. Also, newspapers are golden”

“And then you looked the part?”

“Oh yes. But I didn’t act the part, so I had to integrate myself with the local community. Turns out it’s easy to do if you actually sleep outside; shared miseries become a bond of sorts, if you’re not a jerk about it. Bringing booze helped as well”

“Yes, about that”

“See, I looked and acted the part, but didn’t smell it. Again, you can’t wing it. Smelling like any old alcohol won’t do. You have to know the streets and what’s cheap on them. Fancy whiskey is a no-no, gives it all away. There is this guy with a still up on Third, however. Get some of that on you, and you’re right as rain. I would not recommend getting it in you, though”

“So. Looking, acting and smelling the part. All set, then?”

“For my purposes, yes. So here’s what I do. I show up in my best homeless, slightly drunk impression, and demand that my voice be heard. Moreover, I insist that as a citizen I am entitled to the same freedom of speech as any person who has taken it upon themselves to wear a suit. It’s a universal right, see, unalienable even”

“How does that turn out?”

“Usually, with throwing. Sometimes at me, sometimes me. Turns out some people are less equal than others, when push comes to shove. Or throw”

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