Category Archives: Horoscopes

A brand new daylight saving’s horoscope

Aries

They said you’d lose an hour, but they never said which. So they took one that seemed unimportant. A Wednesday afternoon in middle school, geography class. You were taught about the importance of rivers and how you can predict where towns are simply by following their bends and curves. You used that knowledge to great effect in your storytelling efforts. Then they took that hour from you

Taurus

You know how you sometimes sit down and outwardly don’t seem to do very much, but inwardly your mind is a vat of liquid metal in a mental furnace of emotional processing, and while you don’t remember what you thought during that time, the fact that you actually did think it lets you approach the world in a calmer, more mature way? Yeah, you got another one of those hours

Gemini

In the olden times, episodes of TV shows were exactly 43 minutes, so as to make room for commercials. Together, they would make up an hour of actual televised time. in these new times, episodes can be any length they want. This episode is one hour and five minutes

Cancer

Cats will gravitate towards you. But only for this one hour. Be sure to appreciate the gesture while it lasts

Leo

Popular belief is that time flies when you are having fun, and that it slows down to an unending crawl when you are bored. This belief is true, but not necessarily justified. All this saving of daylight this way and that causes ripples all along the time-space continuum. Be wary of blissful moments that seem to last forever; you might get stuck like that

Virgo

The clock will finally be correct once more, after having been one hour off for oh so long

Libra

Only you can save the space-time continuum. Synchronize your watches

Scorpio

There are places in this world that are heavy with the passage of time, as if history itself weighs down on them and demands tribute. As they do right now. That extra hour, cough it up

Sagittarius

It is amazing what things are committed to memory and which things are not. You can remember the phone number of a friend from 30 years ago – there were phones back then – but the entirety of last week is but a mere outline, whose transpiring you have to take on absolute faith. This has nothing to do with daylight saving’s, but you won’t remember that

Capricorn

You asked if we are there yet. Yes. Yes we are

Aquarius

If you think about it, life is all a matter of timer management. Every nibble of food you eat starts a timer until you starve, every bit of water you sip, every breath you take, – they all reset the timer. If any of them run out at any point, it’s game over, no insert coin for extra credits. Which is to say, when in doubt, feed your friends

Pisces

A common trope in science fiction is that there are an infinite number of worlds, one for each possible branching path. If you had turned right, that’s one world; if left, another. For each and every path not taken, a world. What they do not tell you is that daylight saving’s was instituted in order to avoid falling into hell world; the hour is nudged to and fro in such a way that the worst possible outcomes are deftly avoided, without overtly telling anyone that’s the point of it. What we are saving is metaphorical, rather than literal, daylight

An intermediary horoscope

Aries

Cats gravitate towards you

Taurus

There will be a preponderance of spiders. You are advised to as much as possible move around them, and to avoid their central hub for the time being if it happened to spawn near your residence

Gemini

This is not a place of honor. Unless you are a bear. The bears have made it their home. They are very proud of it. Steer clear

Cancer

Get on the train. This offer will only be valid once. This is not a drill

Leo

For about five hours, the world will operate according to Shadowrun rules. If you happen to become an elf during this time, know that it is only temporary, and that you therefore should explore every avenue before they evaporate

Virgo

No gods, no master, only genders

Libra

Allow the birds to take you where you need to go. They do not know where it is, but will take you there. Go. Go now

Scorpio

You will host a party. It will be a mild party. Like Prophet of the Mormon Church mild. To your utter surprise, it will not be completely awful

Sagittarius

The snakes have abandoned you. Based on your decisions up to this point, you should either enjoy the reprieve or slither really really fast

Capricorn

You asked if we are there yet. Yes. Yes we are

Aquarius

At journey’s end you shall not be as you are nor may you turn back the way you have come. The times ahead of you will be filled with hardship and many times you will believe yourself far less significant than you truly are. In the days to come, you may stand at a critical juncture between Rythar and Mythar and if that comes to pass you should know this: A time comes for all things to die

Pisces

No one actually said you can’t become a catgirl, you know. It is an option that is available in the game of life. They just hide it behind other, less interesting prospects

A quarantined horoscope

Aries

Finally emerging from quarantine, having read all the Good Books and acquired several hobby-related skills, you are amazed at the sheer extent of the wounds inflicted upon those who remained in the outside world

Taurus

Having moved freely and frequently between quarantine and the outside world, probably contracting the virus once or twice, you do not feel the acute sense of disconnect that others have reported; like your sourdough starter, the experience has been a continuous muddle

Gemini

As a healthcare worker, you were tired before and are tired now. The prediction for tomorrow is tired

Cancer

You did not have a cat when this all began, but for some reason they gravitate towards you, and now you have four. It is unclear where they came from, but they are all well-mannered, healthy, and seemingly unwilling to go anywhere, so this is how things are now

Leo

Having supported yourself by faking the glamorous life of a jetsetting influencer in the beforetimes, the sudden shutdown of international travel came as a relief. No one could fault you for not keeping up the production when the reality of the situation made the fiction untenable; for the first time in many moons, you could be yourself

Virgo

Living paycheck to paycheck, things are and have been as they’ve always been, a continual hustle to make ends meet. Entering into quarantine was never an option; there is only the next paycheck, wherever indifferent direction it might come from

Libra

You’ve never told anyone, but you’ve worn the same shirt on literally every zoom call since they became a thing. No one has noticed, and you are beyond even pretending to keep up a pretense of caring at this point

Scorpio

You were eaten by a grue. It came in the form of a virus

Sagittarius

One side-effect of on-campus university education shutting down is that every university is a remote learning institution now. Thus far, you are halfway through a master’s program at one of the country’s most prestigious and expensive (living-wise) universities without ever having set foot on the premises, or even in the city where it’s located. Not even once. It has not been a problem in the least

Capricorn

Upon encountering someone who claims to have been in quarantine all this time, you are struck by how utterly out of time they are, antediluvian atavisms who probably should be put back into isolation so as to preserve them in their pristine state of absolute archaic atemporality

Aquarius

You woke up one morning with the distinct feeling that whatever semblance of normality reigned before will never come back. Things are weird, and will continue to be weird until you acclimatize yourself to it and the rate of change slows momentarily such that pattern recognition kicks in

Pisces

The prospect of being a generation older is not thrilling, but no one asked your opinion on the matter. Like so many other things, that’s just how things are now

A horoscope of authorial demise

Aries

As you prick yourself with your golden quill pen, you ponder how ironic a cause of death this would be. This was indeed an ironic last thought to have

Taurus

No one will remember your works of fiction. Your fictional works, inserted into bibliographies of grand narratives, will however live on forever

Gemini

As a prolific author penning many avant-garde works, you only ever met with fledgling success at best. That one throwaway idyllic piece about the virtues of simple forest life, however, became an integral part of the national mythos for generations to come

Cancer

You fell asleep under a pile of cats and was never seen again. We envy you

Leo

Your books spawned a bustling empire of fan fiction; however, for reasons unknown, you yourself have been comprehensively banned from participating in said empire

Virgo

At one time during a subway commute, you thought of a great idea for a book. Then someone sneezed, and you forgot all about it

Libra

During generations to come, they might acknowledge wiki entries as authorial works with merit beyond zero-degree writing

Scorpio

No one could muster the energy to cite your works properly, and your ideas were retroactively attributed to Foucault

Sagittarius

You have one new notification

Capricorn

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It is a truth universally acknowledged. But I digress

Aquarius

As the unimaginable horror from Beyond crept ever closer, an inexplicable impulse made you describe the process in extensive detail. It crept closer, closer. Now, it’s grabbing your leg, dragging you towards its gaping maw; as your extremities have all been devoured, you scribble one last final warni

Pisces

In English writing we seldom speak of tradition, though we occasionally apply its name in deploring its absence. We cannot refer to “the tradition” or to “a tradition”; at most, we employ the adjective in saying that the poetry of So-and-so is “traditional” or even “too traditional.” Seldom, perhaps, does the word appear except in a phrase of censure. If otherwise, it is vaguely approbative, with the implication, as to the work approved, of some pleasing archaeological reconstruction. You can hardly make the word agreeable to English ears without this comfortable reference to the reassuring science of archaeology

A Friday 13 horoscope

Aries

Today you will get what you want. You will curse this day for years to come

Taurus

Black cats will gravitate towards you

Gemini

You will try something new, thinking “why not”, only to then become aware of the reasons in extensive and comprehensive detail

Cancer

Everything will go exactly according to plan. Beware

Leo

Due to your lack of belief in bad luck, you will not be there when your fortunes would have changed

Virgo

Cloud, the

Libra

She was here five minutes ago

Scorpio

Personal virtue will not protect you from systemic injustice; today less than ever

Sagittarius

You have one new notification

Capricorn

He will be here in five minutes

Aquarius

Sometimes, the test will focus mainly on that one thing you didn’t think you’d need to read up on. Today will test you on all those things

Pisces

The seeds of your misfortune were sown years ago. Nothing says today will be the day. But it will

A relationship horoscope

Aries

There are abandoned cities where everyone left because the reason for having a city in that location disappeared. At no point were there an official decision to abandon the town; for a myriad of small reasons, all local and rational, everyone just left, one by one, until only the buildings remained. So too with your relationship – it just might be time to let go

Taurus

In the long run, your aversion towards hurting others will cause exponentially more pain and suffering than being the straightforward, unequivocal jerk you fear to be could ever inflict

Gemini

Ask not for whom the bell tolls. You do not know them, and they will only remain happily married for so long anyway

Cancer

Love is not something you have but something you do, and you do it in such excess that poems should be written about it

Leo

You will find someone with whom you will say “this is life, and we are doing it, right now”

Virgo

Cats will gravitate towards you

Libra

As society becomes an ever more entangled mess of interlocking systems, each with their own internal logics and tendencies, the individual ever so gradually becomes of secondary importance. You, on the other hand, are the kind of person who do not shy away from hacking international supply chains to give your sweetheart the perfect Valentine’s gift

Scorpio

She dreamt she was a bulldozer, she dreamt she was alone in an empty field

Sagittarius

The contradictory and incomprehensible rituals of modern dating have so overwritten your notion of what it means to get into a relationship, that you have in essence giving up all hope on ever finding someone. This resignation, writ large, has profound effects on the real estate market

Capricorn

Things just might become easier if you give up the distinction between vaporwave and the things it ostensibly remembers; memory – like love – being something you do rather than have

Aquarius

Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?

Pisces

Just remember to fall in love. There’s nothing else

A meta-horoscope

Aries

A cute person will tell you their sign. You will scare them off by telling them that you do not believe in either signs or introductory small talk

Taurus

You will find yourself reading a horoscope for the first time in years.  This will be a strange new experience

Gemini

A prediction will come true. Make it a good one

Cancer

A prediction will fail to manifest. Fortunately, you are a pessimist

Leo

You will tell someone your sign, and they will brush you off. It wasn’t meant to be

Virgo

You do not believe in the stars. Then again, the amount of data is so overwhelming and so utterly out of proportion to the human capability to process, that sometimes the rational choice is to just wing it, lest you be indefinitely paralyzed by indecision

Libra

Cats will gravitate towards you

Scorpio

You have survived an immense amount of bullshit, and do not need vague horoscope predictions

Sagittarius

You dreamt that you would read these very words at this very moment. It is a very strange confluence of events

Capricorn

You will hear someone tell someone else their sign, only to be rudely brushed off. This is your moment

Aquarius

That one song will finally be out of your head

Pisces

For every person, there is an equal and opposite person. Except for you. Your opposites have clearly gone for quantity over quality

A Friday horoscope

Aries

Friday is upon us. It is up to you to find a quick solution to the imminent challenges facing us

Taurus

Friday is upon us. Someone will come along with a solution to the imminent challenges facing us. Help them in any way you can

Gemini

Friday is upon us. This means it will soon be time to kick back, relax and enjoy the good things in life

Cancer

Friday is upon us. Do not panic. Your preparations are sufficient. The only thing left to do now is to be there and power through it

Leo

Friday is upon us. The call from the unrelenting ululations beckon both from within and without. You know what to do

Virgo

Friday is upon us. Pray it does not alter the deal further

Libra

Friday is upon us. Cats will gravitate towards you

Scorpio

Friday is upon us. You and your friends will have a good time, and then one of you will have had too much to drink, and you will form a strong bond through the ritual of taking care that have been established over the last couple of month. Eventually, you will all have to sit down and have a long talk about your friendship and how it is formed on the basis of alcohol consumption, and that this is not a healthy way to grow up and grow old. It will be painful, there will be tears, but it has to be done

Sagittarius

Friday is upon us. You look nice today

Capricorn

Friday is upon us. If you see an Aires and Taurus duo seemingly involved in some kind of time-sensitive quest, tell them that what they seek is over yonder, and point to somewhere in the middle distance

Aquarius

Friday is upon us. You know what you did

Pisces

Friday is upon us. There will be much celebrating around town, but you do not have to participate if you do not want to. It is okay to not be a party animal, and to just have a nice quiet evening at home

A felicitous horoscope

Aries

You will notice an unusual number of cats out and about, if you look carefully

Taurus

An unusual number of cats will notice you, and possibly also judge you

Gemini

You might discover that you are actually a catgirl

Cancer

Your internal monologue will be replaced with a Catalan voiceover

Leo

Do not worry about the movements at the periphery of your vision; those are extradimensional kittens

Virgo

A piece of string will inexplicably catch your eye

Libra

Do not make any large life decisions until you have factored in where to house the numerous kittens

Scorpio

You have spontaneously learnt how to purr

Sagittarius

Felix says hi

Capricorn

New verbs have entered your vocabulary, such as prrrp and flomp

Aquarius

The door is ajar

Pisces

You know it’s time for dinner, because the cat is close to your face

A timely horoscope

Aries

The accumulation of history is this moment. Everything that has ever happened has led to this particular state of things. The time is now.

Taurus

Your habits have gradually shaped who you are. Day by day, your routine of going through the motions have led you here. The time is past.

Gemini

Your preparations will soon bear fruit. Everything is aligned for that one perfect moment. The time is imminent.

Cancer

Looking back on history is akin to beholding a mountain. There simply is too much to take in all at once, and the senses go numb or sublime. Time is overwhelming.

Leo

It would seem life consists only of small, disconnected fragments happening one after another, without any theme or rhyme. Time is fleeting.

Virgo

Past events are synonymous with current events. The only thing that can reasonably convince you that you are not in a time loop is your gradually advancing age. There is no time.

Libra

Your attempts at finding release from your sense of being have all failed, and now you feel it in its full intensity, always. There is only time.

Scorpio

You have no sense of time whatsoever. You alone are free, for now. Hurry; they will come for you.

Sagittarius

Out of all those doomed to exist until death, very few have found a way to cope as well as you do. Your time will come, but it is far off in the distance.

Capricorn

There is absolutely no reason to panic. Especially not now.

Aquarius

For a short while, cats will gravitate towards you. Be kind to them.

Pisces

Help those on the run, and remind them that sometimes velocity is not equal to the distance traversed in a given period of time.