Category Archives: Horoscopes

A felicitous horoscope

Aries

You will notice an unusual number of cats out and about, if you look carefully

Taurus

An unusual number of cats will notice you, and possibly also judge you

Gemini

You might discover that you are actually a catgirl

Cancer

Your internal monologue will be replaced with a Catalan voiceover

Leo

Do not worry about the movements at the periphery of your vision; those are extradimensional kittens

Virgo

A piece of string will inexplicably catch your eye

Libra

Do not make any large life decisions until you have factored in where to house the numerous kittens

Scorpio

You have spontaneously learnt how to purr

Sagittarius

Felix says hi

Capricorn

New verbs have entered your vocabulary, such as prrrp and flomp

Aquarius

The door is ajar

Pisces

You know it’s time for dinner, because the cat is close to your face

A timely horoscope

Aries

The accumulation of history is this moment. Everything that has ever happened has led to this particular state of things. The time is now.

Taurus

Your habits have gradually shaped who you are. Day by day, your routine of going through the motions have led you here. The time is past.

Gemini

Your preparations will soon bear fruit. Everything is aligned for that one perfect moment. The time is imminent.

Cancer

Looking back on history is akin to beholding a mountain. There simply is too much to take in all at once, and the senses go numb or sublime. Time is overwhelming.

Leo

It would seem life consists only of small, disconnected fragments happening one after another, without any theme or rhyme. Time is fleeting.

Virgo

Past events are synonymous with current events. The only thing that can reasonably convince you that you are not in a time loop is your gradually advancing age. There is no time.

Libra

Your attempts at finding release from your sense of being have all failed, and now you feel it in its full intensity, always. There is only time.

Scorpio

You have no sense of time whatsoever. You alone are free, for now. Hurry; they will come for you.

Sagittarius

Out of all those doomed to exist until death, very few have found a way to cope as well as you do. Your time will come, but it is far off in the distance.

Capricorn

There is absolutely no reason to panic. Especially not now.

Aquarius

For a short while, cats will gravitate towards you. Be kind to them.

Pisces

Help those on the run, and remind them that sometimes velocity is not equal to the distance traversed in a given period of time.