Category Archives: Horoscopes

A Friday 13 horoscope

Aries

Today you will get what you want. You will curse this day for years to come

Taurus

Black cats will gravitate towards you

Gemini

You will try something new, thinking “why not”, only to then become aware of the reasons in extensive and comprehensive detail

Cancer

Everything will go exactly according to plan. Beware

Leo

Due to your lack of belief in bad luck, you will not be there when your fortunes would have changed

Virgo

Cloud, the

Libra

She was here five minutes ago

Scorpio

Personal virtue will not protect you from systemic injustice; today less than ever

Sagittarius

You have one new notification

Capricorn

He will be here in five minutes

Aquarius

Sometimes, the test will focus mainly on that one thing you didn’t think you’d need to read up on. Today will test you on all those things

Pisces

The seeds of your misfortune were sown years ago. Nothing says today will be the day. But it will

A relationship horoscope

Aries

There are abandoned cities where everyone left because the reason for having a city in that location disappeared. At no point were there an official decision to abandon the town; for a myriad of small reasons, all local and rational, everyone just left, one by one, until only the buildings remained. So too with your relationship – it just might be time to let go

Taurus

In the long run, your aversion towards hurting others will cause exponentially more pain and suffering than being the straightforward, unequivocal jerk you fear to be could ever inflict

Gemini

Ask not for whom the bell tolls. You do not know them, and they will only remain happily married for so long anyway

Cancer

Love is not something you have but something you do, and you do it in such excess that poems should be written about it

Leo

You will find someone with whom you will say “this is life, and we are doing it, right now”

Virgo

Cats will gravitate towards you

Libra

As society becomes an ever more entangled mess of interlocking systems, each with their own internal logics and tendencies, the individual ever so gradually becomes of secondary importance. You, on the other hand, are the kind of person who do not shy away from hacking international supply chains to give your sweetheart the perfect Valentine’s gift

Scorpio

She dreamt she was a bulldozer, she dreamt she was alone in an empty field

Sagittarius

The contradictory and incomprehensible rituals of modern dating have so overwritten your notion of what it means to get into a relationship, that you have in essence giving up all hope on ever finding someone. This resignation, writ large, has profound effects on the real estate market

Capricorn

Things just might become easier if you give up the distinction between vaporwave and the things it ostensibly remembers; memory – like love – being something you do rather than have

Aquarius

Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?

Pisces

Just remember to fall in love. There’s nothing else

A meta-horoscope

Aries

A cute person will tell you their sign. You will scare them off by telling them that you do not believe in either signs or introductory small talk

Taurus

You will find yourself reading a horoscope for the first time in years.  This will be a strange new experience

Gemini

A prediction will come true. Make it a good one

Cancer

A prediction will fail to manifest. Fortunately, you are a pessimist

Leo

You will tell someone your sign, and they will brush you off. It wasn’t meant to be

Virgo

You do not believe in the stars. Then again, the amount of data is so overwhelming and so utterly out of proportion to the human capability to process, that sometimes the rational choice is to just wing it, lest you be indefinitely paralyzed by indecision

Libra

Cats will gravitate towards you

Scorpio

You have survived an immense amount of bullshit, and do not need vague horoscope predictions

Sagittarius

You dreamt that you would read these very words at this very moment. It is a very strange confluence of events

Capricorn

You will hear someone tell someone else their sign, only to be rudely brushed off. This is your moment

Aquarius

That one song will finally be out of your head

Pisces

For every person, there is an equal and opposite person. Except for you. Your opposites have clearly gone for quantity over quality

A Friday horoscope

Aries

Friday is upon us. It is up to you to find a quick solution to the imminent challenges facing us

Taurus

Friday is upon us. Someone will come along with a solution to the imminent challenges facing us. Help them in any way you can

Gemini

Friday is upon us. This means it will soon be time to kick back, relax and enjoy the good things in life

Cancer

Friday is upon us. Do not panic. Your preparations are sufficient. The only thing left to do now is to be there and power through it

Leo

Friday is upon us. The call from the unrelenting ululations beckon both from within and without. You know what to do

Virgo

Friday is upon us. Pray it does not alter the deal further

Libra

Friday is upon us. Cats will gravitate towards you

Scorpio

Friday is upon us. You and your friends will have a good time, and then one of you will have had too much to drink, and you will form a strong bond through the ritual of taking care that have been established over the last couple of month. Eventually, you will all have to sit down and have a long talk about your friendship and how it is formed on the basis of alcohol consumption, and that this is not a healthy way to grow up and grow old. It will be painful, there will be tears, but it has to be done

Sagittarius

Friday is upon us. You look nice today

Capricorn

Friday is upon us. If you see an Aires and Taurus duo seemingly involved in some kind of time-sensitive quest, tell them that what they seek is over yonder, and point to somewhere in the middle distance

Aquarius

Friday is upon us. You know what you did

Pisces

Friday is upon us. There will be much celebrating around town, but you do not have to participate if you do not want to. It is okay to not be a party animal, and to just have a nice quiet evening at home

A felicitous horoscope

Aries

You will notice an unusual number of cats out and about, if you look carefully

Taurus

An unusual number of cats will notice you, and possibly also judge you

Gemini

You might discover that you are actually a catgirl

Cancer

Your internal monologue will be replaced with a Catalan voiceover

Leo

Do not worry about the movements at the periphery of your vision; those are extradimensional kittens

Virgo

A piece of string will inexplicably catch your eye

Libra

Do not make any large life decisions until you have factored in where to house the numerous kittens

Scorpio

You have spontaneously learnt how to purr

Sagittarius

Felix says hi

Capricorn

New verbs have entered your vocabulary, such as prrrp and flomp

Aquarius

The door is ajar

Pisces

You know it’s time for dinner, because the cat is close to your face

A timely horoscope

Aries

The accumulation of history is this moment. Everything that has ever happened has led to this particular state of things. The time is now.

Taurus

Your habits have gradually shaped who you are. Day by day, your routine of going through the motions have led you here. The time is past.

Gemini

Your preparations will soon bear fruit. Everything is aligned for that one perfect moment. The time is imminent.

Cancer

Looking back on history is akin to beholding a mountain. There simply is too much to take in all at once, and the senses go numb or sublime. Time is overwhelming.

Leo

It would seem life consists only of small, disconnected fragments happening one after another, without any theme or rhyme. Time is fleeting.

Virgo

Past events are synonymous with current events. The only thing that can reasonably convince you that you are not in a time loop is your gradually advancing age. There is no time.

Libra

Your attempts at finding release from your sense of being have all failed, and now you feel it in its full intensity, always. There is only time.

Scorpio

You have no sense of time whatsoever. You alone are free, for now. Hurry; they will come for you.

Sagittarius

Out of all those doomed to exist until death, very few have found a way to cope as well as you do. Your time will come, but it is far off in the distance.

Capricorn

There is absolutely no reason to panic. Especially not now.

Aquarius

For a short while, cats will gravitate towards you. Be kind to them.

Pisces

Help those on the run, and remind them that sometimes velocity is not equal to the distance traversed in a given period of time.