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Losing the plot

The advent of quantum computing really threw the wrench into cryptography. By making computational speed an arbitrary function of coding, of basically figuring out how fast these things could be made to go, any given implemented protocol would soon find itself outpaced by a more recently implemented hack. Secrecy became a function of frequent updates, which ultimately came down to how fast you could make your coders work. These same coders had, through some miracle of actually existing communications technology, unionized and gotten something asymptotically approaching decent working conditions. The genie would never again go into that bottleneck, and thus other avenues than mere mathematics had to be explored

The key realization came when a digital humanities scholar made an off-hand remark that fiction could contain a nearly arbitrary amount of information, if written intertextually enough. Fan fiction, in particular, excelled in constructing densely connected webs of references, countersigns and internal winks that would utterly nonplus those uninitiated, but be completely apparent to those in the know. The key to keeping something a secret, then, would be to hide it in plain sight in such a way that it was functionally illegible to society at large, and even more so by incorporating false narrative leads familiar to those wanting to figure out what was what. At last, the cryptographic arms race could finally continue apace

A whodunnit written for analytic philosophers

The butler did it

In the beginning was the Bird

One day, new birds started appearing. Most folks, not attuned to the comings and goings of birds, did not notice, but it did not take long until birdwatchers and ornithologists were on the case. A new bird was a big deal – for birdwatchers, to be able to say that they did indeed saw them; for ornithologists, whole conferences could be arranged based on confirmed sightings of new species in territories where they previously were not. Conferences meant funding, publicity and publications, all good things. Thus, the appearance of a whole host of new species of birds was a Big Deal, worthy of extensive note

Soon, it was discovered that these new birds were not related to the birds we all know and love, and that they probably were not descended from dinosaurs either. Scientists were baffled, and rightly so. The new birds came in all shapes and sizes, big, small, loud, sneaky – whatever your thoughts about birds are, there was one of those. They were, in a word, many

Little did the baffled scientific community know that there is only one rule in this world, one organizing principle from which everything else follows:

The amount of bird in the world is constant

Corporate autonomy

Life as a business owner was not as she had thought it would be. Instead of the big leap into freedom promised by starry-eyed entrepreneurs, it mostly seemed to be mindless minutiae in endless, exhaustive detail. After realizing that there had to be a web page and that it had to have a graphical design, she almost snapped. What saved her was the realization that she could just pay someone to do it for her

Then, she got it. The idea that would make her rich

For every mindless task that needed to be done, she found someone to do it for her. Not in the role of a full-time employee, but rather as a microtransactioned independent contractor. The web page? Outsourced. The logo? Outsourced. Accounting? You betcha it was outsourced

Soon, she found herself in a position of having nothing to do. The whole thing ran itself, no input needed. Months passed by, and the business seemed to be making money somehow. She was not quite sure what it did, but as the money kept coming, she did not quite manage to muster enough energy to care

Then, she started another business. And another. And another. Before long, she had a dozen businesses minding themselves, running wholly on outsourced microtransactions

Truly, the autonomous market is a glorious thing

Proactive self-expression

He took a lot of selfies. Like, a lot. If called upon, it is very likely his selfies alone could constitute a substantial part of the empirical material of an ethnographic study regarding contemporary culture (for any given definition of contemporary between now and the invention of selfies). It is safe to say that in his case, quantity took on a quality on its own

Then, he disappeared

More accurately, his wish came true. He finally, after much meditation and unrelenting application of chaos magic, managed to become a selfie

This is not to say that he became a picture. Rather, he relocated into the picture frame (be it analog or digital), choosing which of his many selfies to display at any given moment. Thus, he could move from room to room, talking – in his own way – to anyone observant enough to notice his presence. Very attentive observers eventually noted that some selfies seemed to be taken after his disappearance – a curious state of affairs, never explained

Graduation day

“It says 25. It should say 20”

The thought loomed. All attempts at distraction failed, turning into unwarranted meditations on how to make the number go down. Eventually, he simply resigned himself to the obsession and set to work

And work he did. He threw everything he had at it – algorithms, libraries, undocumented backhacks, brute forcing it through third party software just to see what happens, triple-booting virtual machines, leaving the tap water running in the kitchen sink. Still, the number remained at a steady 25, utterly unphased by all this creative destruction and unrelenting tomfoolery

But then

One night, he awoke, bolted upright, and walked straight to the computer. Nary a word was uttered in his internal monologue, just a vague but strong intuition that this one particular thing might actually work. He booted up one program, then another, then another, then had them ping-pong each other until







In his excitement, he forgot everything about having severe phone phobia and called someone to tell about what had happened. Not being well versed in phone etiquette, he began the call thusly:

“It says 20”

“My friend” the voice on the other end said, “you get it now. Congratulations”

Elemental certainty

Someone knocked on the door. Our protagonist, not expecting anyone and not being in any kind of hurry, walked leisurely to the door. Upon opening, he noticed two things. First, the man who had knocked encompassed the entire range of comparatives when it comes to the word “big”. Any time an impression of just how big the man was settled, additional information arrived that upped everything to an even higher level of bigness. This man was a bigness elemental.

The second thing our protagonist noticed was that this man encompassed the entire range of comparatives when it comes to being angry. Something had ignited an emotional infernal ember and placed it in this corporeal vessel, resulting in a very angry soul in a very angry body. The totality of this combination was such that no time had passed before our protagonist knew, with a certainty that crossed the line well into the metaphysical and then relentlessly kept going, that someone, somewhere, was going to have a really bad day today.

The big angry man looked at our protagonist, and bellowed the words that would forevermore be synonymous with salvation:


To boldly watch

One day, a portal to another dimension was discovered. Unlike the shiny, glowy portals of Canadian science fiction television, this portal was slightly less obvious. In fact, it was open for years and years before anyone even noticed. It is, all things considered, a very specific portal.

The exact nature of this portal is still unknown, but its effects are well understood. If your wifi router is properly configured and placed in accordance with very strict feng shui principles, it can receive youtube videos from another dimension.

This fact contributed heavily towards the portal remaining undiscovered for such a long time. This other dimension is very similar to our own, and since it contains people we already know, seeing them again mostly only result in a mild reaction of “oh hey, I know that guy, I didn’t know he did youtubes now, huh”.

The discovery – if that is the word for it – was made one day when someone stumbled upon themselves in youtube format. Not being a youtube person himself, he first tried to figure out who this impostor was, and (more importantly) why the choice fell to imitate him rather than literally anyone else. Upon closer inspection, all evidence pointed towards it in fact being him – he knew things he could not have known otherwise, and his implicit fashion advice turned out to be stunningly accurate.

A more technical analysis revealed that there were no youtube account with the name provided under the video, and had never been. Not just for this person, but also for several others who suddenly found themselves. There was no explaining it. Yet there it was, in all its alternate glory, telling the world what it might have been, had things taken an ever so slightly different turn.

The aftermath of this discovery has been animate enthusiasm amongst theoretical physicists, science fiction authors and headline writers. An alternate dimension! Imagine the possibilities! Most people, however, only do a cursory search for their alternate selves, just to see if they’re out there.

Turns out, the alternate dimension has a killer fashion sense, and it is rubbing off.

The beat goes boom boom boom

The aliens could not have picked a worse week to invade. Ironically, everything went wrong because everything went exactly as planned. The giant warships appeared unannounced in the sky one day, doing nothing but gathering data for the upcoming assault. Humanity, being in shock, did not attack these warships, on the off-chance these utterly armed machines of war came in peace. Then, after enough information had been gathered, the invasion began. Humanity was defenseless against the psionic assaults, and most surrendered without firing a single shot. In the annals of planetary conquests, this was one of the neater ones.

Until the aliens stopped to think about it, and about what they had conquered. And, being psionic, about what those they had conquered had thought about.

The weeks prior to the attack, a new genre of music had swept the world off its feet, gathering massive amounts of people dancing in the streets. It was not known then, but this genre was the closest humanity could come to a psionic virus at its current technological level. As the aliens surveyed what they had conquered, so too did they listen to these beats. To say that it made their heads explode would be an overstatement, but they did suffer greatly before dying.

Needless to say, global art spending and investments increased manifold over the coming decades.

Unsafe at any speed

Some people proclaim themselves to be security engineers, and boast how their products are impossible to beat. More experienced security engineers admit that their products can in fact be beaten, but that it would require such an extensive effort so as to be unbeatable for any real-world practical uses. Such as in the case of security doors that can be broken down, where anyone with the proper equipment to do so would already know that it would be faster to simply go around it – a door only ever being as strong as the walls surrounding it.

This little fellow, however, was not a security engineer. He was in fact the opposite: an insecurity engineer. It said so, right there on his business card.

What he did was to build things that could be beaten in very specific ways. If there was some flaw in a particular security setup, he would find it and build it. And then, being an entrepreneurial soul, sell it.

At first glance, this might seem a self-defeating proposition. But – as he is very keen on informing you – these are not the security measures you implement on your mission-critical, stupendously expensive assets. These are the security measures you use as training dummies, or for demonstration purposes.

At times, he jokes about rebranding into a car salesman. Those who know him discourage this line of thought in the strongest terms possible.