Category Archives: The kairos made me do it

Random encounters

This particular street corner was known to her as a random encounter spot. Some of the random encounters could be explained through the powers of statistics and probability – the sheer number of people passing through every day meant that you were bound to meet someone unlikely every once in a while. Indeed, most encounters were highly familiar – some friend not seen in ages, that one guy from high school, a celebrity who took a wrong turn, and on occasion an ex to swiftly avoid. Other encounters, however, were outright spooky, such as when she found a fondly remembered childhood toy, staring intently at her with his epoxy eyes, just as he’d done all those years ago. She sometimes wondered if she should’ve picked him up, but the nature of the spot told her, again and again, that there were things best left as encounters

On the twelfth day

Matters have become exceedingly strange in these latter stages of the quarantine. Upon venturing into the seldom visited nooks and crannies of my domicile, I have chanced upon new and unfamiliar items previously unbeknownst to me. I described these peculiar new discoveries to my cohabitants, who did not recognize said items even as I laid out their aspects at great length. Mere moments later, upon conducting an ocular inspection of my exotic acquisitions, they made it known that a distant acquaintance, referred to colloquially as “aunt Martha”, had ceremoniously bestowed these peculiarities to our abode during the annual celebration of the birth of one member or another of the household. Heavily implied in this assertion was the fact that it was common knowledge that these objects had indeed been in place all along, and that the only confusion in these matters was caused by my overly ornate and quixotic verbiage on the subject matter. Perhaps, the smaller one of them concluded capriciously, we had – hypothetically, perchance, mayhaps – been “cooped up” in here ever so slightly too long, facilitating the initiation of a gradual decline of our (meaning my) mental capacities. This, if true, would be an exciting development indeed, for what could be more interesting and open-ended than the discovery of a brand new self to delve into and discover anew? I do so hope that the quarantine will find reason to be extended, allowing me further possibilities to extend these investigations. The truth, surely, is in here somewhere

Where conspiracies lead

Early on, the organization figured out that the single biggest predictor for if someone believed conspiracy theory x is whether or not they believe conspiracy theory y. There seemed to be a general propensity to believe in conspiracy theories in general, regardless of the specifics of any one theory. Mole people, black helicopters and the faked moon landing are all, somehow, of a piece

This presented something of a challenge to the recruitment office, who wanted to find a process to screen out the more dedicated theorists without also scaring off more grounded candidates. Initial attempts to ask about unrelated yet conspiracy-adjacent topics, so as to indirectly suss out whether the person had a propensity for such thinking, were called off after a rumor began circulating that one of the standard questions was related to aliens. That was not the particular kind of attention they needed at the time

At length, they figured that the best way to find out was to give the prospects an informal communal free lunch. Those whose conversational topics trended towards the conspiratorial could easily be identified, and those who were merely nervous about the possibility of being hired could be ushered towards that very possibility. The success rate was not 100%, but it more than made up for the cost of the free meals. Overall, it was one of the better counterconspiracies of the organization

The divine comedy of Kenneth

Kenneth
the frequency
what is it

Kenneth
we need it
the frequency

Kenneth
they have laser eyes now
like Jessica Jones
the frequency
hurry, please

Kenneth
they have begun acting out elaborately choreographed dances
we suspect it to be some sort of arcane ritual meant to consume the souls of those caught within
the frequency
we need it to escape

Kenneth
this is the end of the world as we know it
we’re really in the spotlight here
drive, drive, drive

KENNETH
THE FREQUENCY OPENED A LITERAL GATE TO HELL
NO, WE WILL NOT USE IT AS A POWER SOURCE
ONCE WE HAVE DEFEATED THESE DEMONS, WE WILL FIND YOU

KENNETH
THE SECOND FREQUENCY OPENED A SECOND GATE TO A DIMENSION CONSIDERED HELL BY THE DENIZENS OF THE DIMENSION WE CALL HELL
THE METAPHYSICAL IMPLICATIONS SCARE US MORE THAN THE ACTUAL PHYSICAL HELLSCAPE BEFORE US

Kenneth
your brilliant plan worked
by powering through successively worse iterations of hell, we finally hit a point where the Caelestial buffer overruns, and we have entered into the most exalted of heavens
you unstoppable, conceptual bastard

A template for a rejection letter

To whom it may concern,

I am honored that you have considered me for this award/nomination/appointment/coauthorship/[appropriate term here], and take great pride in being a name mentioned in the discussions surrounding this occasion. Truly, I am in great company.

However, I can not in good conscience accept this award/nomination/appointment/coauthorship/[appropriate term here]. The reasons for this ought to be obvious, as your efforts at due diligence should have indicated them in extensive detail. I wish you well in your search for a better suited candidate.

Sincerely,

Alive and/or kicking

She had died

This was a very confusing thought to have. She’d always imagined being dead as a great big nothing, the darkness to end all light, the absence to define all things. This whole business of surprised realization was not at all in the cards. And yet, here she was

Besides being when not expecting to be, she also found she was not what she expected to be. Rather than the comfortable but limited form that had been her from birth until death, she was larger somehow. More cosmic. More capable of bringing universes into being and ending them, as suited her whim. More ambiently omnipotent. That had definitely not been part of the skill set of her mortal coil

As she examined this greatly expanded capability of getting things done, she thought a phrase common to her generation:

I understand and accept these new terms and conditions

Wishing well

1. Give me the virtues and wisdom required to gracefully face the situations I will find myself in

2.

3.

Exodus from the blockchain

Economists were baffled. This was a commodity with no possibility of a market whatsoever. It was simply impossible for a market to exist – at any point in time, simply using it would confer greater value than exchanging it ever would. Trading it would always be a net loss, regardless of time, place or circumstance

This is not to say it was worthless. Far from it. It’s just that its utility is of such magnitude that no monetary boon, favor or extracurricular recompense could compete with simply putting it to immediate use. There were simply never any reason to exchange it, ever, much to the chagrin of those ideologically committed to letting market forces dictate distribution. One can not force a market into being when there are no conditions for it

If only, a noted ideologue lamented, there were some theory that could explain this strange anomaly, in such a way that we could understand its implications

Time pockets

It began as a simple exercise in efficiency. Providing historically active clothing for time travelers turned out to be a costly enterprise, especially given the many varieties of fabrics used over the ages, all treated in different ways so as to suit geography, fashion and socioeconomic status. When seen in the long view, it all seemed a bit much. Thus, the time travel consortiums gradually begun setting up small historically appropriate fashion business all across their respective slices of the time-space continuum. The leading thought being that if you can’t beat them, joining them for a marginal profit is preferable

Naturally, things did not go according to plan. Instead of being marginal footnotes in the history of fashion, obscure yet recognizable garments appropriate across most relevant ages, the enterprises turned out to be economic juggernauts utterly dominating their respective settings. In other circumstances, this might have been a win; in the context of stealthily studying the natural evolution of societies undisturbed over long periods of time, it was anything but

Fortunately, given time travel, it was only a matter of going back to the first time this idea was broached and discourage it. As the saying goes: better luck next timeline

A list of free podcast names

Symptoms of the algorithm

Fan art of the simulacrum

They said there would be cats

The blank spaces are talking to me

I preordered this podcast and all I got was an RSS feed

The sound of rain falling on rooftops during a non-stressful Sunday morning

When in doubt, ask Kate

This, my friends, is slightly too many spiders

Listeners are discursive anomalies

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but

We like unfinished adventure games, and play them for the lore

After reading the book, we are both more and less impressed than we thought we would be

The good news is, but the bad news has yet to come

Whatever it is, it bears repeating

Support us on patreon and we will get a better microphone

Just you wait until the next episode

For every bird, there is an equal and opposite bird

Your listicle is wrong, and here’s why

History ended in 1878, and we are living in the postapocalypse

I can’t believe the university let us use their studio

Snakes on an icosahedron

The moon landing wasn’t fake, but I question its ethical foundation

How to escape the podcast-industrial complex

Everything you ever wanted to know about the Civilization 4 mod Fall from Heaven 2, but never knew who to ask

The vague specificities of urban everyday life

More longer friend, did you ever actually see that sky?